Clarke of the Sky
by taylordswift
Summary: Modern AU; Clarke's POV; Clarke comes from a homophobic family which isn't a real issue for her until she meets the new girl at school, Lexa. Clexa. Eventual smut.
1. I am (or was) Clarke Griffin

_You would think that your arrival into Heaven would be epic, right? You'd think there'd be fireworks and parades. You'd think that you'd be received by applause and hand-shakes and pats on the back. You'd think that all the angels would gather 'round to celebrate, and your family members and friends would come running to you and lift you up over their shoulders. You'd think the pain of having lived would drain out of you instantly. You'd think that with each step you took above the clouds, your soul would grow warmer and calmer. You'd think that God Himself would proudly introduce you to everyone living in the sky in a life-changing, breath-taking speech. You would think that your arrival into Heaven would actually mean something to somebody, right? Well it doesn't. And it's important that you know this now_**.**

**My name is **_(or was)_ **Clarke Griffin. **

_There isn't much to say about me and if you're here looking for some kind of autobiography, you're clearly in the wrong place. _

**I'm, in a sense, only at the age of seventeen, despite being born two or maybe three decades ago…**

_I don't remember my exact birthdate. It's a funny thing, isn't it? But I've never had a need to remember it. Not anymore. After you die, you only keep the important things with you. The meaningful things. _

**From the land of souls, I descended from the sky and found warmth in my mother's womb. Yet, I was not alone. I had a twin, but, sadly, she died before she could even see sunlight. Or see rain. I saw rain, though. More often than sunlight, I saw rain. And for some reason, I just ****_know _****that if she had been around to see the sky with me, it would have never ever rained on us. **

_You know, sometimes I wonder if she's here somewhere in Heaven. But it's such a silly thing to wonder about. I know she isn't. You don't baptize still-borns. But the truth is that I'd rather keep pretending to wonder, than acknowledge the fact that I __**do**__ know where she must be, if it isn't here. _

**My parents loved me. Maybe not near the twilight of my life as much as at its dawn, but I can't really blame them for that, can I? They really tried to raise me properly. They forced me to attend church twice a week and often participate in its events, and if they'd had enough money, they would have sent me to the best Catholic school in Phoenix too. Unfortunately, though, they never had much money. And I used to often wonder how different they would have been, if they'd been rich. I used to wonder if they would've been less strict and less controlling. I used to wonder if they would've been happier – if ****_we _****would have been happier. **

_I still do wonder this sometimes, (The times I think about them, which to be honest, isn't that often anymore.) but now I wonder from a different point of view. A sadder point of view. I wonder if maybe everything would have turned out completely different. If maybe, they wouldn't have done what they did and I wouldn't have done what I did and maybe, just maybe, I would still be alive. Right now. Breathing. Feeling. Simply __**living**__.  
But I'm not, am I? I'm not alive and I never will be again, and so there's really no point in wondering anymore._

**I went to Polis High School. I had friends, of course, and even a boyfriend named Finn, but I wasn't at all what anyone would consider to be "popular". Not even "well-known". I was just me and I was quite ordinary. ****_Painfully_**** ordinary. And I don't mean to sound cliché or anything, but that definitely changed one day. November 2****nd**** to be exact. And I guess I should definitely tell you about that, right? If you want to know me at all, you've got to know about November 2****nd****.**

_I met her (and she's truly what this story is about, if it's even about anything) on November 2__nd__ of the last year of my life. She came like a storm. Like an earthquake. Like an explosion. Like a beautiful, uncontrollable, unpredictable chaos. She came and destroyed everything I'd ever believed in. She came and turned my life into a whirlpool. She opened my eyes to the vast darkness, vast mystery, vast pain in the world. She shattered all of my fantasies and childish dreams. She completely and instantly murdered the person I'd been up to that point.  
And I thank her, still, every single day and century of my after-life. _

**I stepped into my first period class that day, and the moment I did, I ****_felt_**** her. Literally ****_felt _****her. I didn't know at the time what I was feeling (or whom), but I knew something was different. I knew that the atmosphere was sweeter and that gravity was lighter, and yet I couldn't understand how. Sitting at my desk, I wondered if, suddenly, my life had turned itself inside out. Or if, by mistake, the world had begun to turn the other way. Or if, simply, the universe had forgotten how to function altogether.**

**I spent the entire hour this way, looking blankly at the white board, trying to figure out why my mind refused to concentrate, why my heart refused to settle down into a normal-paced beat, and why my skin refused to accept that it belonged resting on my bones. I tapped my pencil on the desk impatiently, when I heard a "hey" coming from behind me, followed by a light touch on my right shoulder. Shivers tickled playfully at my skin, running up and down and up again. **

**I turned around hesitantly and found her leaning towards me. She was wearing a black Rolling Stones sleeveless top and a black beanie hat, which still allowed her brown hair to fall evenly upon her tan shoulders (upon which I could make out the beginning of a tattoo) in wavy curls. Instantly, I felt myself become set internally on fire with pure envy; envy of her eyes, her hair, her lips; envy of the intensity she conveyed with just one look; envy of her perfect combination of simplicity and complexity; envy of her beauty. She raised her eyebrows, and gave me a slight smirk, as her hazel eyes met mine and she opened her mouth to speak, "Do you know where room 205 is?"**

**"****Uh… yeah," I replied nervously, trying desperately to hide my surprise upon hearing how the melody of her voice matched perfectly with the beauty of her face. "It's upstairs. I'm going after this actually. I could show you." **

**"****Cool, thanks," she said, nodding and leaning back. I nodded too and quickly turned away, afraid my eyes would refuse to let her go, if I stayed any longer. The next last half hour, (the longest one of my life, it seemed) I spent feeling overly self-conscious, knowing she was behind me. I tilted my head left and right several times, unable to decide how it would look most natural. I brought my hands up to my face and then forced them back down, unable to find where to place them. I tapped my feet on and off beat, unable to keep them still. And I kept having to remind myself how to breathe, unable to remember why it was even necessary. **

**When the clock on the wall, the one which had stared at me confusingly all throughout the period, finally marked 8:30, the class finally came to an end. I gathered my books and, on my knees, stuffed them hurriedly inside my backpack. I felt her towering over me, her shadow spread across the floor, reaching all the way to the teacher's desk. I looked up, hesitantly, to find her eyes and grew again painfully amazed. From this view, she seemed more similar to an angel with the light above her acting as her halo than to an ordinary Polis High School student like me."205?" I asked even though I hadn't actually forgotten. **

**"****Yes," she smiled slightly, pulling up her bag over her shoulder, as she watched me get back up clumsily. **

**"****Okay, come on," I smiled back, slightly tilting my head towards the door and beginning to walk out of the room. I let several other people rush through first, as I waited for her. "So uh, are you new?"**

**"****Sort of," she chuckled. "I was here for freshman year, but my parents moved around for a few years and we just got back." **

**"****Oh," I said quietly, as we made our way, swiftly through the sea of people. She followed slightly behind me and I wondered if I should slow down, but figured that there wasn't much distance between us really, and if she wasn't walking next to me it was because she didn't care to. **

**"****Clarke!" I heard a familiar voice say. I turned quickly to find Finn standing a few feet away from us, smiling. He wore a red hat that let his dark hair slightly poke out, a Nike sleeveless t-shirt, and worn out blue jeans. "Clarke," he said again once I'd gotten closer, stretching out his arms to me. **

**"****Hey Finn," I said, rolling my eyes and leaning in to hug him. "We're going upstairs." I let him go and tilted my head towards her. "Text me after 3****rd**** period?"**

**"****Sure thing, babe. Hey, you're coming to the party tonight, right?" He asked excitedly, before turning his gray eyes to her. I expected them to show the incredible surprise that my eyes must have expressed only a few minutes ago, but his, instead, remained just as gray and just as dull. "Oh, hey," he smiled at her.**

**"****Hey," she said back, clearly uninterested. **

**"****Oh!" I gasped. "This is… uh…" I turned to her, feeling utterly embarrassed. **

**"****Lexa," she said, smiling shyly.**

**"****Lexa," I repeated, surprised at the sweet taste the word left as it rolled off my tongue.**

**"****Awesome," Finn laughed. "You should come too! Definitely!" She nodded slightly then turned to face me. I looked briefly at her and noticed slight irritation in her eyes, which she clearly tried to hide.**

**"****You're boring us," I smiled to Finn, pushing him away playfully, making him chuckle. **

**"****All right, see you girls later, then," He leaned in to kiss me, but as his lips met mine, I couldn't help but wonder if it made Lexa uncomfortable. I pulled back after a couple of seconds, and brought my head down and away from him. "Love you, Clarke," he smiled beginning to walk away. I nodded, even though he couldn't see me anymore. **

**I turned to look at Lexa apologetically. "Sorry about that," I began. "You don't have to go to his lame party, if you don't want to…"**

**"****No, it's fine," she shook her head, her hair flowing gently back and forth in brunette cascades. "I don't really have much else to do." We walked quickly up the stairs, and I let her walk in front of me now. Looking up at her, I felt myself become overwhelmed with anxiety. **

**"****Well in that case," I finally said as we reached the top of the stairs, "I'll see you soon… ****_Lexa_****." I gave her a slight smile and pointed to the room marked 205. **

**"****Thanks," she smiled back and headed towards it, but turning around to face me as she did, so she was walking backwards. "And I'll see****_ you _****soon…. ****_Clarke_****." My smile grew wider as my eyes analyzed how flawlessly she glided towards her classroom, and my ears, ringing with the sound of her voice still, rejoiced at such unexpected pleasure.**

_Sometimes I can still hear her voice speaking my name for the first time. And sometimes I can still feel the shivers running through my skin. And my growing, irrational confusion playing with my mind like a cat does with a ball of yarn. But mostly, I can still feel my heart, though now unbeating, tearing through my flesh in inexplicable excitement._


	2. A First Time For Everything

**Finn's party started late, so I was forced to lie to my mom; I left her thinking that I was going to sleep over at a friend's house instead. It was the first night I would ever spend with Finn, so I spent the entire drive to his house emotionally conflicted. I drove a bit recklessly that night, with excitement and guilt tied together around my heart, which beat nervously through my blouse. **

**Only a few hours later, though, the only thing I could feel was the burning in my chest – the anger. Anger at the world, at myself, at Raven Reyes, at Finn, and at myself again. **

**Tan skin on white, clutching onto each other fiercely, desperately – and all I could do was stare, frozen in disbelief as they rocked back and forth against his desk, knocking over a lamp and a framed picture of us. They hadn't notice me and they probably would not had noticed me, but Raven moaned and the sound of it snapped me awake. **

"**What the **_**fuck**_**?" I hadn't realized I had spoken until I realized that it was my voice that pierced the air between the ex-couple and myself. Finn's eyes grew large and he stumbled backwards, pulling up his jeans and heading towards me. I shook my head in disgust, backing away from him.**

"**Clarke," he pleaded, chasing me through his house, but I couldn't stop moving. Maybe I didn't want to. Maybe I was afraid to. Eventually I did, though, as I was met with a crowd of drunk party-goers, dancing clumsily around me. Finn caught up to me, then, turned me around, still shirtless. He spoke to me, but I couldn't hear him either because the music was too loud or because the red scratches across his skin were – I never knew which. **

"**I have to go," I whispered and my voice cracked and his eyes turned sad. "Great party, though," I smiled sarcastically, but tears streamed down to my lips. **

"**Come on, Clarke," he wouldn't let me go – his grip on my arm becoming almost painful. "Let's just talk about this."**

"**I don't want to talk, Finn," I snapped back, trying to pull away but his hold on my only grew tighter. "Let me go!"**

"**Hey," I heard her say and the pieces of my broken heart beat a bit less painfully. "Finn, right?" She stood next to us, thick black eyeliner and smokey eyes staring defiantly at him. He barely turned to look at her and for a moment I wondered how he could deprive himself of that. My teary eyes found solace in her beauty, if only for a moment. She was wearing a black leather jacket over a white ARKtic Monkeys shirt and black skinny jeans in just as black combat boots. "Some guys are smoking weed in your parents' room," she informed him, "Thought you should know." **

"**What?" Finn's eyes grew worried and he turned to me as if to say **_**I'm sorry**_**, but he didn't say it. He just left. I felt the ache of his absence immediately and hated myself for it. Wiping my last tears from my face with the back of my hand, I turn to Lexa. **

"**Thanks," I sighed. She simply nodded, letting her eyes speak to me instead. Green under the light of the living room, they called out to me in sweet foreign despair. I smiled sadly at her, as I noticed her tilting her head and silently absorbing some of my sadness. **

"**Hey!" she exclaimed, suddenly excited, confusing me. "Let's get out of here." She reached out for my hand and pulled me along and out of the door. I went along without resisting, but staying behind and admiring her hair as it danced with the air. So mesmerized by it, I almost didn't notice how my skin burned almost pleasantly at her touch, shielding me from the coldness of the night. Once we reached the driveway, though, she let go, awaking me from my temporary daze and bringing me back to the real world, as the cool air finally hit me.**

"**Where are we going?" I asked, as I caught up with her. "Don'tcha wanna take the car?"**

"**We're not going far," she said, "Plus, the night is nice for a walk, don't you think?" I shrugged, but followed close behind. We walked silently for a while, and I found comfort and distraction in her sight. It helped. It was better than going home and crying over Finn. It was better than a lot of things. "This is it," she finally broke the silence. **

**The moon, now protector of the sky, shone its glow proudly on her, as if she were another one of its stars. I looked around us, wondering what neighborhood this was. Hardly any cars were found parked in the driveways, and there wasn't anyone in the gloomy street – aside from us. "Where are we?" I finally asked. **

"**I used to live here," she replied with a hint of sadness clinging to her voice. I stood next to her, enveloped by the warmth that her beauty alone gave birth to. After a few seconds of silence, she turned to me, a warm smile forming on her lips. "Come on." She stepped forward towards a dark, possibly abandoned house. The wind, making its way effortlessly through the clouds, the trees, and the cracks on the wooden walls of the dozens of homes around us, carried with it an eerie whistle, tightening my nerves. The shadows, creeping beneath every step we took and teasing to reach out to us, mocked us as we approached the house. Suddenly, I felt myself become submerged in a deep pool of anxiety.**

"**What're we going to do?" I asked, my voice revealing my evident uneasiness. She turned to me with reassuring eyes, reaching out to hold my hand as we stepped in. Hesitantly and suspiciously, I placed my hand in hers, again engulfing myself in the painful pleasures of her burning skin on mine. **

"**Trust me," she whispered, guiding me into the darkness of the house, and I nodded slowly – more so because I felt a need to please her than because I had agreed to whatever we were getting ourselves into. Panic began to rise in me, but her soothing voice echoing back and forth through the walls, gave me reason to remain at ease. And yet… I didn't really trust her, did I? I didn't know her. Not at all. And for a moment, I am ashamed to say, that I wondered not whether her beautiful nature came from the gods in the heavens, but from the demons living below us. I wondered, even if it was ever so briefly, whether she was not a descendant from the angels in paradise, but instead from the sirens in the dangerous open seas. **

**As I was guided through the maze of darkness by both the mysterious Lexa and my over-powering, sense-dulling curiosity, I thought of nothing but the guilt that had weighed over me only a few hours ago. Had my sins, my lies, been the cause of unfortunate events? Had my falling into sinful temptations been the reason of my misfortune? I shook my head, refusing to become sucked in to my parent's mind. **

**I heard a door creak open, as light shone clearly from it, blinding me for several moments. Several voices reached my ears before my eyes regained their full sight. And even then, I could hardly make out any faces because of the thick smoke that escaped through the now opened door and broke its flow against my face. **

**My view became clearer and I was able to identify a few people– Indra, Lincoln, Anya. They all sat on the floor, in a circle with others I didn't know, their eyes drowsy, and eyeing me suspiciously. **

"**Ignore them," Lexa whispered back to me, leaning in, and I came closer too, wanting to feel safe again. "Do you smoke?" she asked. **

"**Um no," I replied shyly. **

"**Not even weed?" one of the people on the ground asked, making Lexa snap her head back at him, revealing those dangerously intimidating eyes. Eyes she seemed to have for everyone, but me.**

"**Like I said," she spat more a him than at me, "ignore them."**

"**I… uh," I stumbled for words, to which Lexa turned her kind green eyes back to me. "There's a firs time for everything, right?" I half smiled, to which the grounders all began to cheer playfully, but I thought of Finn and how that night was supposed to be **_**our**_** first. **

**After Lexa rolled up a couple of joints for us, she nodded me over to follow out the back door. We were met by a waterless pool with scratches on the sides left there by skateboards and roller-skates and a mattress at the bottom. Lexa shoved the joints in her jacket's pocket and climbed as far down the ladder as she could and then hopped to the bottom. **

** "Come on," She smiled up at me. "I'll be here to catch you, if you fall," she said playfully. I felt my face turn hot, but did as I was told. Once we were both at the bottom, she went over and laid on the mattress, staring up into the sky. I laid beside her, staring into her. "This is my favorite place," she said to the stars, before turning to face me. I froze, embarrassed at having her catch me looking at her, but she didn't seem to notice. **

**She just looked intently at me, as if she were studying me, analyzing me. Without taking her eyes off of me, she placed a joint between her lips and lit it with a lighter she took out of an inside pocket. I parted my lips as she slipped the other joint in between my teeth. We were so close. **_**Fuck**_**, my mind was clouded by that word – that word and Lexa. She leaned in closer and I held my breath as I watched her light my joint with hers, both still in our mouths. Smiling, as if she knew (she **_**had**_** to know) what she had done to me, she turned back to admire the stars.**

_I still don't know how much time passed. I just know it did. And I still don't know what I was thinking or why it happened, but I know it did. Maybe it was out of vengeance or excitement or lust. Or maybe it was already because in the deepest part of me, in the darkest, most unreachable and forbidden part of my soul, sinful love had already been born. Maybe. I still don't know. _

_All I know is that when her lips reached mine, I felt myself slowly become untangled from the spiderweb that was my life. No. Not untangled. Ripped apart. Ripped apart, torn apart. I felt myself become consumed by her warmth, felt myself become set free from my heavy chains only to fly into a cage. _

** She was the one to lean in to me. So close. Torturously close. But she didn't kiss me first. I did – as if I had had a choice. I tangled my hand in her hair and pulled her in, desperately, to me. Our lips met a bit clumsily and I felt her laugh into my mouth. Embarrassed, I was about to pull away and apologize, but then I felt her shift on top of me, straddling me, and giving me slow and gentle kisses – her hands wandering down my sides and mine down hers. **

** "Clarke," she breathed into me and my head spun. Why did she feel too far away from me? I gave a quiet moan in response, pulling at her jacket, urging her to take it off. She laughed again and pulled back, taking it off and throwing it to the side before coming in again. "Clarke," she said my name again at the end of a kiss, and my mouth ached expectantly, but her lips didn't come back to me. She just hovered above me, inches away, her eyes kind and soft and analyzing. **

** "What?" I asked and the annoyance and desperation in my voice was a little too obvious, making her laugh again. Her laugh was so beautiful. **

** "We can't do this," she said and her breath was sweet. I think I must have been pouting because she smiled at me, before reminding me "You and Finn…" His name rung in my head and everything came flooding back, filling me guilt and anger and jealousy and disgust. **

** "He deserves this," I whispered, though more as comfort for myself than anything else. It didn't work. **

"**You're beautiful, Clarke," Lexa's voice softened the sharp edges that stabbed at my heart, "but I can't just be someone you fuck out of spite." My eyes grew guiltily – I hadn't meant it like that. I think she noticed my worry at offending her because she added, "But I can be your friend, if you'd like me to. I don't really know many people in Polis High, and well you seem like you could need someone to talk to… or, you know," she smiled that beautiful smile at me, "…someone to beat up Finn for you."**

**I laughed and nodded, a single tear streaming down my face. Feeling the warmth of her hand as she brushed it off, I sighed and wondered why exactly I was crying. She rolled over, off of me and we stared into the night sky together. **


End file.
